All was ready. Downstairs, I could hear the string quartet tuning up as guests began to mill about and be seated. As I stood upstairs in the ballroom, I was surprised at how calm I felt. I had fully expected to be a nervous wreck by this time, but I just felt ready--ready to be married to the love of my life, ready to have a fun evening, ready to not be planning the wedding anymore!

Planning our interfaith wedding had been onerous at times, and I felt a little guilty at not being nervous. The rabbi and minister didn't meet until an hour before the ceremony was to begin. They had talked via e-mail and on the phone about our ceremony, but they hadn't met face-to-face. Shouldn't that have made me nervous? What about the ceremony? It was different than any our families have ever witnessed before--should I have been nervous about how they'd react to it? Why wasn't I?

Preparation… that's why I didn't feel nervous. Bryan and I spent the last nine months working diligently to make sure we got the wedding we wanted, but that respected our families' wishes and traditions also. We chose a non-religious site, the historic YWCA building in downtown Fort Worth, and searched for a rabbi and minister willing to co-officiate.

It was beautiful. Everything was perfect. We got so many compliments on the ceremony itself--how unique it was, how touching, how meaningful, how inclusive it felt. More to come after the honeymoon.

Hasta luego!

de Playa del Carmen

You would think that the big news of the weekend is that we picked up our wedding bands, but it isn't. No, the big news this weekend is that we'll be able to go on our honeymoon. You see, I don't have a passport, at least not one that was issued within the last 10 years and while I was at least 16 (or something like that). Ten weeks ago I went to the local postoffice and submitted my passport application, feeling comfortable enough with the length of time we still had to not pay for the passport to be expedited. Well, after weeks of waiting, and really starting to stress over not having my passport, the online status page finally told me that it has been shipped, and that I should have it by this Wednesday. What a huge relief!

I strongly suggest that if there's even a chance that you'll be traveling outside of the country within the next 6 months, get your application in now. With the recent passport requirement changes, they are absolutely swamped with applications.

Oh...one other great thing from this weekend is the wedding gift from my dad and step-mom. They came over for dinner Saturday night and brought our gift with them--2 beautiful silver and gold shabbat candle holders, and a matching kiddush cup. Just in time for the wedding ceremony, too! I had just asked my dad the day before if they had a kiddush cup that we could use during the ceremony.

Have a great week!

Truth be told, I did have a butterfly episode a couple of weeks ago, but it involved the ceremony itself, not the marriage...

One of Julie's bridesmaids got married recently, and Julie was in the wedding. Being the good guy that I am, I drove Julie to the church for the rehearsal, and watched and waited patiently while they rehearsed. Sitting there in the church sanctuary, watching them practice, I suddenly became very nervous. I wanted to go to the JP, or run off to Vegas...anything but having to stand up there in front of all those people, stumbling over everything I have to say! Oddly enough, as soon as the rehearsal was over, the butterflies were gone.

When we met with Rabbi Marc and his wife a few months ago, one of the things he offered to do, as part of his services, was to write a personalized ceremony for us, incorporating the various elements from both traditions that we'd previously discussed. What we ended up with was an inclusive ceremony that we hope will not make anyone uncomfortable, and should be unlike any ceremony that any of our guests have ever seen.

Some of the things we've included in the ceremony are: the 7 Jewish Wedding Blessings, the lighting of a unity candle, a reading from Corinthians 1:13 (I think, that's right), Kiddush, and the smashing of a wine glass at the end. When we sign the marriage license for the state, we will also be signing an interfaith Ketubah. Also, instead of my parents walking me down the aisle, as is customary in a Jewish wedding, my two children will walk me down the aisle.

We feel really good about what we came up with, along with Rabbi Marc, and are eagerly awaiting the big day! If anyone is interested in the ceremony in greater detail, please leave a comment with a way to contact you.

Yesterday evening, we ordered our wedding rings (maybe a little late in the process for some people's comfort-zones, but when you've got a jeweler in the family...).

This morning, we had our final pre-marital session with Reverend Bassford. We discussed mostly logistics today. We went through the ceremony that Rabbi Marc wrote for us and made some minor tweaks. We discussed how the rehearsal would likely go, and some minor details about the day of the wedding.

After going over the ceremony, Reverend Bassford said she thought the ceremony was inclusive, respectful of both traditions, and very nice. We laughed a lot this morning, and at the end of our session, we prayed together. It was a great way to start the day.

My wonderful, fabulous, Matron of Honor wanted to throw me a shower. She suggested Saturday, April 7 during one of our many emails. Perfect! I thought - Mom and Dad will be in town that weekend for Easter, so Mom can come to the shower, and what better opportunity for Mom to meet more of Bryan's family? All of the local aunts and (female) cousins were invited to the shower, as were all the grandmothers. We were all set for a great time!

As the weekend planning began, Bryan called Grandma Daneman to see if anyone was interested in a family dinner while my parents were in town. My Mom and Dad have met both Bryan's parents and his Mom's extended family, but not the Daneman extended family. So, we thought the weekend would be perfect for that, also. Grandma reminded us, though, that the "perfect weekend" we chose was during Passover. With no chametz in the house, and the family keeping kosher for Passover, no Danemans were really in a position to host a large dinner. And eating out, if you're keeping kosher for Passover isn't easy, either, not to mention how big our party would be. With that in mind, it was easy enough to forgo the family meal - it made a very hectic weekend slightly less hectic.

However, this brought up something we hadn't thought about in planning the shower. My wonderful, fabulous Matron of Honor isn't Jewish, so she, like I, didn't think about the shower being during Passover. I had no idea what she was planning to serve for food, though I knew cake would be served (at my request), so I quickly asked if it would be too much trouble to ensure that there be some fruit and veggie trays - some non-chametz, if you will - so that Bryan's family didn't have to (a) break Passover kosher rules or (b) sit around watching everyone else eat. She happily agreed and was very careful to make sure that everyone had plenty to eat and drink. The shower was a success and everyone had a great time.

This was a perfect reminder for me that from now on, there are two religious calendars to be mindful of when planning big events. This is not something I hadn't thought of before, but this was the first time a potential conflict arose. I can guarantee that any calendars in our house will have all the Jewish and Christian holidays marked in big, bold letters (none of this small, italic font at the bottom of the day's square) so as to help avoid any future faux pas! If anyone has another system that works well for them, I'd love to hear suggestions!

I hope y'all enjoy it as much as I did.

*** One year ago ***

The afternoon started out much the same as above, but I was a nervous wreck. That morning, as Bryan was "briefing" me on what to expect at that night's Seder, he casually mentions that they go around the table, taking turns reading passages from the Haggadah. "WHAT?!? I'm going to have to READ ALOUD in front of your ENTIRE family at an important religious dinner?!?" I've never had an actual panic attack, but I came very close over the idea that I would be "performing" in front of potential future in-laws.

I was so nervous that I couldn't enjoy or pay attention to the seder--I kept looking ahead to try to figure out which passage would be mine to read aloud. As silly as it sounds, even the way the dining area was set up made me nervous. Bryan is the first-born son (of a first-born son of a first-born son), so we were seated at the head table, basically facing the room. The dining room is raised about two steps above the living room, where extra tables were set up, so it really felt kind of like being on stage. Add to that the heightened importance of the gathering - not just a casual family dinner - and the finely set table, and I was just about beside myself--at least through the first two glasses of wine (surprisingly, after that, I relaxed a little).

As it turns out, I didn't make any major blunders (though I'm sure I butchered some pronunciations), and I'm told that no one had any idea how really nervous I was, so I must have covered it well. The food was good, and, though we were exhausted after it all, I did have a good time.

This year I was much more relaxed through the seder. I actually relaxed a little and enjoyed the readings, without counting ahead to see which one would be mine. Our oldest read the 4 questions (in English) for the first time, while Bryan's cousin read them in Hebrew. It was his first time to read them in Hebrew and he did a great job. We were all quite impressed.

The rest of the evening went well, and as usual, ended too soon. I was surprised to see that it was 10:00 when we got in the car to head home. We had a long drive and the morning rush to school and work would come early. As we drove off, I mentally compared last year's Passover to this year's. I chuckled to myself about how silly I was a year ago. Bryan didn't even have to ask; he knew where I was, and I don't think we've ever been more glad to be there together.

This weekend was quite busy. I'm officially out of my apartment now, and Bryan's house--our house (wow, that sounds good!)--is full of boxes and excess furniture (that we're trying to sell). The dog is rather confused, and the boys are having fun playing in all the boxes and general mayhem that accompanies moving. Bryan's Dad came over on Sunday afternoon and was a HUGE help (THANK YOU, PHIL!)--moving furniture, putting together furniture, hanging blinds, etc.

Now Bryan and I have the task of combining homes. You never fully realize how much stuff you have until you have to box it all up and unpack it somewhere else, especially when that somewhere else is an already full house! And in a cruel twist, there's also something a little humbling about seeing how much space is left on a moving truck after it's loaded with all (well, almost all) your worldly possessions.

Oh, and did I mention that the timing of the move is impeccable? We have Passover Seder tonight with Bryan's family--a late night, if last year is any indication, when we're still exhausted from this weekend. My parents will be in town this coming weekend for various activities (baseball games, wedding showers, Easter, bridal portraits). Then, the weekend after that, I'm co-hosting a shower (at the house) for a very close friend who's getting married later in the month. We got to looking at calendars and Bryan and I realized that we have ONE weekend between now and our wedding that isn't completely booked...So, we'll be unpacked and really settled in, oh, a year. :) Living out of boxes isn't SO bad, right?

There are many articles here at InterfaithFamily.com that address this question, and it seems that for most it is a very personal decision, one that is reached after a great deal of consideration. Mostly, it seems that it comes down to their interpretation and understanding of their rabbinical function, and whether that allows them to perform interfaith wedding ceremonies. For others, their decision might be based on their congregation's desires. And still others might be willing to officiate an interfaith ceremony, but only if the couple meets a certain list of conditions. Finally, there are those rabbis who are willing to officate and even co-officiate interfaith weddings with no strings attached, except for perhaps one connected to a rather large price tag (most of these rabbis are not in it for the money, but you should be aware that there are some who do not have your best interest at heart). No matter the rabbi's decision, I think that it is important for those of us entering into an interfaith marriage to respect that decision, and that for those rabbis who choose not to officiate interfaith weddings, that interfaith couples don't take the decision personally. As Rabbi Steven Foster's article states in the title: "It’s Not about You, It’s About Me: Why I Don’t Perform Interfaith Weddings."

Rather than listing all of the other articles that I've found helpful in pondering this question, I'll simply provide a link to the entire collection: Rabbis and Interfaith Weddings.

We'd be very interested in hearing others' comments and experiences on this.

My oldest son has a tee-ball game scheduled for the first night of Passover. If he was being raised Jewish, then there wouldn't be any question as to what to do--we'd go to my Dad's house for Passover. However, since he isn't being raised Jewish, I don't think it is fair for me to force him to miss his game. On the other hand, it isn't fair for me to automatically exclude him from going to Passover with Julie and me.

I thought that I had this all worked out...that I'd give him a chance to decide, and that regardless of his decision, Julie and I were going to my Dad's for Passover. But now I am not so sure... What example do I want to set for him? The one where sports are not the most important thing in life, or the one where I am always there supporting him?

For the record, his mom says that it is fine for him to miss the game and go to the Passover seder as planned. Ultimately, this instance isn't a big deal, but it is the first of what will likely be many similar situations, and so the precedent that is set is important.

Well, we didn't write them down, but we did both think of them and had a good discussion this morning. My big one was, of course, Christmas. Bryan's list included Rosh Hashana, Yom Kippur, Hanukkah, and Passover. He talked, too about how enjoyable Sukkot was last year (his Dad and Stepmom built a sukkah for the first time last year), and how he enjoyed the big family dinners that his grandparents used to host every Friday for Shabbat.

What we ended up focusing on more this session, though, was religion and spirituality. We talked about how to make sure both families feel equally included in all the various holidays. More than that, we talked about ways we can help to foster an inclusive and open nature regarding our faiths and beliefs and practices for our families. I mentioned how helpful many of the articles at InterfaithFamily.com have been to both of us and she was thrilled that we've added yet another resource (in addition to her and Rabbi Charlie) to our "toolkit" for life together.

I'd be interested in comments from other interfaith families and couples of how to make either or both families comfortable with their dual-faith relationships. And in a more broad sense than just celebrating more than one set of holidays, but also in religious, spiritual, and family decisions, and just life in general. Is it easier or harder to do if you choose to set up "house" in one faith vs. both faiths (i.e., deciding to have a Jewish home or a Christian home rather than both)?

When we next meet with Rabbi, we're supposed to have come up with some goals - personal goals, goals as a couple, and goals for our family. We're actually supposed to each have our own sets of goals and work on them separately., Then, when we talk with Rabbi next time, we can talk about how we can really help take charge of those goals and see them through. This will actually be our last session of the "programmed" counseling with Rabbi, though we've talked about doing an extra session to focus on interfaith topics. I'll speak only for myself in this post (though I think Bryan will agree with me) that these sessions have been incredible. They've given us lots of tools that will help us throughout our marriage. And, it's been such an enjoyable process...and spending time with Rabbi is always enjoyable.

For our next session with Reverend Bassford, we're each supposed to list the religious holidays that are the most important to us, so that we can talk about them together and find ways to make sure that those holidays continue to be treated the way we want them to be as we build our interfaith home. I think this is to make sure that we are aware of which holidays are the most important to the other, and why.

I've been doing some thinking...being Christian, the obvious religious holiday for me that's the biggest is Christmas...and Christmas is BIG in my family. We do it all--the decorations, the tree, the PRESENTS, the family time, the music, Christmas Eve church services--the whole shebang. Bryan has seen the spectacle that is a Guess family Christmas, and it didn't scare him off (so far), but there will be things that we'll need to discuss regarding how Christmas will be handled in our house, especially when it comes to children - both his from his previous marriage, and any that we have together.

I'll be interested to see what Bryan's holiday list is. We talk a lot about our different faiths--how they're similar, where they differ, and why we believe what we do (in fact, they're some of the most stimulating religious conversations I've ever had in my life)--but I'm not sure we've ever sat down and listed out the religious holidays and traditions that are the most important to us. I think this will be a real opportunity for growth for us. I'll follow up with a post about anything interesting that comes out of this session.

I'll be honest - I had read that couples who wanted a co-officiated wedding needed to be prepared for a real search...for a Rabbi. I was not expecting difficulty finding a minister. I really had hoped that the music minister from my parents' church (Friendswood United Methodist Church) would be able to be our minister. He's known our family for years and it would have just felt right. However, he had a prior commitment that weekend. Since I have never transferred my membership to a local church in Fort Worth, when "my" minister didn't work out, I was sort of at a loss.

My next step was to contact a very large congregation in Fort Worth. I had visted there many times during and after college. They have a large ministry staff, so I thought maybe someone would be available - or would at least be a helpful resource. I started by contacting the church's wedding coordinator and explaining what we were looking for and when. Imagine my disappointment when I was told "I've forwarded your request to our ministry staff, but since it's on a Sunday, I don't know there's much we can do for you." There was no offer of any other kind of help, and I never heard from them again.

Keep in mind that our search for a Rabbi at this point isn't going much better. We were seriously considering just going with a judge...But, I continued researching and found Alliance United Methodist Church. The church is almost directly in between my apartment and Bryan's house, and I had noticed it several times. I'd never visited, though. I found their website and there was a link to email the pastor. I did, and that started our relationship with Reverend Bassford. She was immediately warm, welcoming, and her style has been refreshing. She's open-minded, really listens, and really wants to be a good resource for Bryan and me.

So, if you've been following along in the posts, you'll see that it really took some looking and we followed a few dead ends before we found our co-officiants. But, find them we did, and we couldn't be happier. (And, as an added bonus, we also found Rabbi Charlie, who is a wonderful teacher and has become someone very special to Bryan and me.)